Rant/Vent... whatever you want to call disappointment

I've been neglecting this blog.
I've been trying to be a better Mom/Teacher/Wife.
Maintaining the house, doing the annual taxes, cleaning closets for upcoming Spring, conducting more hands-on lessons (volcanoes, jawbreaker model of the earths' core, etc.), trying to get our Son to get his cap and gown ordered for COLLEGE graduation (the order deadline was over two weeks ago), but yet, I am feeling defeated.
A few days ago, two people made the same passing comment (it wasn't really a question when it was posed): Is Sarah going to Father Marquette?  Father Marquette is a K-8 private school that our Son went to.  It was fabulous.  It "fit" him.  It fits a lot of students.  So, is Sarah going there?  No.  Sarah had hearing problems for the first few years of her life, which resulted in her having a delayed onset of speech.  She was involved in 'special education' in our public school district for a short time, but thanks to the non-learned/ignorant staff, we encountered a living nightmare.  Will our Daughter ever go back to the public school system?  Oh, hell no.  I have no trust/faith in what 'they' teach.  Will Sarah ever go to Father Marquette? I LOVE Father Marquette - but WHY do we need to send her to a school?
The people who keep asking me if Sarah is going to be enrolled are the same people I keep asking if they want to see what we are doing for school.  It is so much easier to scoff at what you do not know - so why bother learning what we are doing?  The unknown is just downright scary to some people.  I know that our schooling doesn't look like the typical school -- sorry, we're learning in a way that is making school something that Sarah WANTS to do.  Someone remarked (after hearing Sarah ASK for school), "Wow - I wish my kids asked for school - they hate it!."  I WANT Sarah to love learning, to keep reaching for more and more answers.  What is she missing in the traditional brick and mortar building that she is not getting at home.  You guessed it: classmates.  But, classmate interaction is reserved only for recess... but she's missing watching others interact with the teacher.  Really?  PLEASE give me a reason as to why I should abandon a program that Sarah is flourishing in just because it doesn't reflect the way that YOU learned.
Do I have second thoughts about teaching Sarah?  You're damn right I do.  I question it every day.  But, you know what?  When I taught at the university, or the G.E.D. program (for drop-outs), or in the E.S.L. program, or middle school religion, or even a second grade classroom, I second-guessed myself EVERY DAY.  I am a teacher.  I was trained to be a teacher.  What I do may seem like a game.  I have FUN doing what I do.  I try to make sure that my students have fun, too.  Learning can be fun.  Why does it have to be a chore?  ENGAGE your student - make the lesson go beyond the norm.  Is Sarah learning? YES. Does she have off days? Heck, yes.  So do I!  Everyone does.  Does that mean we throw in the towel?  What other teacher is able to take the time to make sure that each lesson is learned?  What other teacher is able to know when something is wrong/not understood?  How many others could slow down a lesson or speed it up depending upon the student?
I am so angry right now.
I am a teacher.
I have several letters after my name that attest to the fact that I am a teacher.
I have published/presented research on education.
And you want me to send my Daughter to someone who is not as learned/invested in her?
Learn what we do.
Come to our classroom and have some fun  -- you will learn a lot more than you ever thought was possible.

Children are Not Perfect -- Get Over it

Sometimes you just need a kick in the ass... right?!?
This morning I read a post on Facebook, because we all know how trustworthy that is ;) But it was a post that has been haunting me all day.  'Faith' posted an article written by a woman who says that she wished that she would have aborted her Son if she had known the troubles that her family would encounter.  In her case, it was having a child born with Down Syndrome.  'Faith' went on to say that she commiserates and identifies with the writer and would have chosen a 'different route' (meaning terminating her pregnancy) if she would have known how hard life would be for her child.  This 'Mom' posted these statements on Facebook for all to see - including her children.  There is no taking this back.  She has two children. One that does no live with her (and who is largely ignored by her) and the Son that she would have aborted.  The child that does not live with her is talented, smart and on the verge of becoming an adult.  The child that lives with her has mild learning disabilities -- but is in main-stream school and doing fine -- and has some health issues.  Are you kidding me?? ALL children have their strengths and weaknesses.  ALL children are unique.  You're lamenting that because YOUR child is not YOUR definition of 'PERFECT' that it would have saved him (and YOU) a lot of work and heartache?  Wake up, honey.  ALL children are far-from perfect.  Children do NOT fit into a certain mold.
We've all been caught up in comparing what one child can do compared to another.  I am guilty of this.  I have been focusing on my Daughter's inability to write legibly.  Shouldn't she be writing fluently in 1st grade?  Should she be crying when asked to write?  All kids her age are writing... there it is.  The comparison.  She is an ACE at Math, loves science and is doing GREAT in 1st grade.  But, here I am, making that leap to say, "She's not like the other kids her age."  Insert royal butt-kicking for me to be thinking this way.  My Godson is in 2nd grade and was struggling with reading, but, this year, he has a great public school teacher and she has been able to 'reach' him like no other.  Then my best friend has to throw in, "But he still writes like a axe murderer!"  See? ALL children have something that is not up to par...
Would I have chosen a 'different route' knowing that my Daughter would suffer through a portion of her life with no hearing?  Or that she would have asthma so bad that it would land her in the hospital more times than I'd like to count?  Was 'keeping her' a form of child abuse because I have subjected her to a life like this?
Oh, hell no.
My Son fits the 'typical' mould.  We were blessed with a loving, smart, giving child who always got good grades, never really got into trouble and is about to graduate from college in a profession that he loves.  Our Daughter?  She has given us a run for our money.  She has tested our patience, brought us to our knees, enlightened us and helped us grow.  Would I want her to be the typical girl?  Oh, hell no.  Children cause you the most worry/heartache because they are yours.  All parents will obsess about their child not writing as well as another, or playing like others, etc. But, why would we want our children to be cookie cutters of each other?  So what if your kid writes like an axe murderer - if he is one of the kindest little boys, then you need to pat yourself on the back (and my best friend acknowledges this and is extremely proud of her Son). 
I have been following the journey of a family who has a little girl (the same age as my Daughter) who has cancer.  She is in remission, but they have been struggling with so many health problems that go hand-in-hand with cancer/remission... would they have chosen a 'different route' knowing that they could spare their Daughter from this awful disease?  I'll bet you any money they would say, 'NO' - we'll get through this because we can't imagine life without her.  I'm sure that they would have loved to spare their child all of the pain, but not at the expense of never having her. So in the eyes of 'Faith' -- is that child abuse?
Our children, as you know, don't come with instruction manuals.  When you decide to have a child, you throw the dice and hope for the best knowing that whatever short-comings s/he may have, you can deal with it because YOU are the parent and s/he is counting on you.
Unless you are looking out for your own well-being instead; then you are right -- you should have chosen a different route BEFORE you decided to get pregnant.  The moment that you become pregnant it is no longer about YOU.  Get over it and help your child no matter what.  You think that by following a 'different path' that you could have saved him/her from ill-health/peer pressure/etc.?  Now you are just fooling yourself.
Life is hard.
It is our job as parents to HELP our children learn, live and grow no matter what s/he face.  It's not easy -- but the perks are beyond awesome.
So, for 'Faith' all I can say is, YOU are doing a dis-service to your children.  THEY LEARN from you.  By letting the world know that you would have chosen  a 'different route' will only satisfy your need to whine/complain about your life, and hurt your children beyond anything that you could ever imagine.
I'm going to go see if my perfect Daughter would like to try and write like an axe-murderer... or, maybe we'll just go eat pizza ;)

We all have different paths to journey down.  I just feel bad for the children that are seen as something less-than-perfect.

Writing: It's in the Genes, right?

I'm a writer.
I love the written word.
I love playing with sentences, creating something from seemingly nothing and have it transport readers into new realms.  My oldest child used to listen to my stories as he drifted off to sleep -- but when it came to writing his own stories, heck, sentences, he clammed up. Nope- he was NOT going to do it.  I knew that he had a good imagination - but he was adamant: HE was NOT going to write.  He has stuck to this goal.  He has been avoiding writing and will graduate from the local university with a degree in Industrial Maintenance (a.k.a. Not Writing) in the Spring.  His Sister is, seemingly, following in his non-writing footsteps.  A-ha! I can nip this in the bud!  I know what to do! I taught university-level composition courses and helped students learn to write.  The tools that I learned came along too late for me to help my Son (he had already decided that he hated writing and that NOTHING would change his mind - stubborn boy), but I can help his Sister!
I have taught other students to write - but my own?
Oh. My. God.
Could it be the monsoon-like rain that we are experiencing right now that has dampened my mood? Last year, in Kindergarten (not kidding), my Daughter was supposed to WRITE a story.  She did write a story - but I typed it out and submitted it to our supervising teacher for review and was told that, next time, Sarah would have to write it out.  I argued that the assignment was to write a story (create) and not a handwriting exercise.  I won that argument. Did I give her a crutch? Maybe - but I wanted her to see that 'writing/creating' stories can be magical.  So, this year, we would create and write stories - it would be fun! I would also have a clean house, have nutritious meals on the table each night and we'd make up stories nightly as we prepared for sleep.  We then would WRITE OUT the stories to share with others.  I could make a book of them for the Grandparents as a Christmas present! Wouldn't that be wonderful?  They could carry it with them to extoll the virtues of their talented Grand-Daughter...  Oh, come on! My house is not dirty (please call before you come over so I can hide things in the closets and cupboards), we've eaten - let's just leave it at that... and as for bedtime: we've gone to sleep.  So much for the best-laid plans.
We just finished our second week of school.
First grade rocks!
We are FLYING through all of the lessons.
Absolutely amazing!
I spoke with our supervising teacher about this.  He suggested that maybe we should skip a term -- maybe even go into the next grade.  Whoa!  My kid is smart!
Oh, wait,  she hates to write.
Give her a pencil or crayon and she's more likely to scribble something than to write a word out.  I ask her to write her name, she spells it H S A R A - cute - but she actually writes "SARA" and runs out of room and puts the "H" in front.  Imagine me face-palming as I explain (again) that 'we' need to write within the lines so that every letter fits.  Should I stress about the letters fitting in the lines?
If another parent told me the same story, I would say, "So what! You're child is WRITING! Don't sweat the particulars!"
Well, what about the fact that she's also reversing a few letters?
"She's writing them, right?"
 Yes.
 "She'll get over it and start making them right in a bit - don't stress!"
It turns out that this conversation took place earlier tonight.  The part of the 'writing teacher' was my best friend (who works in hospital administration).
The freaked out parent was me.
Sometimes it is hard to realize that it's hard to separate the Writer, the Teacher and the Parent when you are trying to be all of them at once.  I want to be a great example to my kids - I want them to love to learn - but I also want to encourage them to find their own loves.  Will they love writing? One doesn't - but he found his love: he creates through welding/auto repair (or, as I lovingly call it: messes in our garage). Do I wish that he had a love of writing? Oh, heck, yes.  Do I think that he would make an amazing music teacher?  Without a doubt... but it is his life.  He creates in his own way.
As for my Daughter.  She LOVES to create stories. She has such a wonderful imagination and she continues to teach me that I have to stop stressing over the expectations.  She is five.  She is silly.  She writes like a five-year-old.
Is it pretty?
No.
Is it legible?
Kind of - in a Mom-recognizes-it way.
Will it improve?
Most likely with practice.
The trick is to not freak out about the practice.
There are always a lot of sour notes before a symphony is perfected.  Trying to correct each fault will not only take longer, but it may even halt the performance before it can begin.
I sound like a writing teacher I used to know -- me.

Bullies make me sick...

Seriously.  I am having a hard time with this right now.  I am still in shock and want to cuddle my Daughter closer as we have had a rough night.  My Daughter was outside jumping on her trampoline when we heard her screams/cries. My Husband was closest to the door and ran out -- and I was on his heals. We got outside to find our Daughter running in circles within the trampoline hysterically crying. She unzipped the trampoline enclosure and jumped into my husband's arms.  What happened? She had been playing with 2 other children (one is one year older, the other one year younger). Nobody was talking - my Daughter was hysterical and could not talk.  We got her inside and we continued to cuddle her and reassure her that she was safe. Why wasn't she talking?  Backtrack a few years. She was deaf for a period of time and has had to play 'catch up' with her speech/communication. When she is upset, she either says nothing, or she repeats what is being said to her.  We understand this; others do not.  One of the children was brought inside and was asked what happened.  It turns out the older one was teasing her -- bullying her.  He claimed that the younger one was saying 'worse stuff.'  So that made it okay for you?  The younger one was then brought in and explained that they were teasing our Daughter by taunting her (over and over) that she had boy hair.  For me, or you, this would seem silly.  For a 5-year-old little Girl, it was devastating.  I could not talk - I sat back and kept cuddling my Daughter. My Husband, who is my voice of reason, calmly asked the younger child, 'How would you like it if I called you a Girl?  Should I get you a dress?' and the child got extremely mad, gritted his teeth and clenched his fists. The behavior exhibited by both of these kids made me (and still makes me) sick. THESE two children are the reason that I am home-schooling my child.  I often hear that kids need to develop a 'thick skin' because that (teasing/taunting) is part of life.  What in the hell kind of life are you talking about? Are you suggesting that I should send my child someplace where she can get teased/threatened because that's how life is?  How can we, as human beings, endorse this?  I don't.  I am homeschooling my Daughter to provide her with the very best education that not only meets her needs, but nurtures her and help to create a loving human being that will contribute to this world.  I know that many schools have anti-bullying policies in place -- but, let me tell you, it's not working.  I saw what two little children did tonight - and I can honestly say, You are doing it WRONG. By the way - those 2 children were her COUSINS.

A Plague By Any Other Name

I thought that we had stepped into the dark ages -- I swear that we had the black plague in our household.  One-by-one, each of us was stricken, and then, being the sharing kind of people we are, we kindly gave it back to each other.  Over and over and over again.  We couldn't simply air out the house to get the bugs on the run, we would have died of hypothermia (temperatures were hovering around 0F for most of our illnesses).  The 2nd floor held a lovely scent of tea tree oil, eucalyptus and Vicks Vapo rub that hung in the clouds of humidity that emanated from our 24-hour-a-day vaporizer blitz.  I should probably give the vaporizer a proper burial after working so hard for so long for us.
We are now on the mend...
And then the plague reared its ugly head in another form:
"Are you enrolling Sarah in Kindergarten?"
Um, she is IN Kindergarten.
"No, I mean a REAL Kindergarten."
That's right, we're just 'playing' when we do school every day.
You're right.
I should really stop what I am doing and conform to what YOU think is right for my child.
I should subject my child to lower learning standards, one teacher focused on many children and a curriculum that has been homogenized in order to make sure that 'no child is left behind.'
Yes.
Please sign us up.
Sarah is 5.
Sarah is reading books.
Sarah is doing math: addition and subtraction.
Sarah is learning science (Do you know the three states of matter?  Did you learn it in Kindergarten?  She did.).
Sarah knows the names of different clouds.  Most Kindergartners know clouds as white puffy/cottony things in the sky.  Sarah understands that there are different names for different types of clouds (her favorite is Cirrus.).
Sarah has learned about Lewis, Clark and Sacagawea, John Chapman (Johnny Appleseed), and many tribes of Native Americans.
Can you identify countries on the map? Name the continents? Her favorite changes as we explore each one.
Study Cezanne lately?  She has - among others.  But she does have a fondness for Van Gogh.
Music class is filled with dancing, clapping and piano lessons (I'm learning to play as we go).
Does your school offer classes at all hours - because the student ASKS to learn?  My Daughter is on her own schedule.  She asks for school morning, noon and night.  She is enjoying learning.  We don't have tears - wait, we do - from me.
I cry when I have to justify why I am homeschooling my Daughter.
I have to listen to un-educated/un-informed voices ask, "What about her social interaction?  She needs to be with kids her own age!"  You are right.  And she attends dance classes, goes to the library, etc.  I would love to have more outings with people her own age - so she can have more fun - but I know that she will get that -- I just have to work harder to find those opportunities.
Do I want her to go to school?  Part of me says yes - but it's for nostalgic reasons.  What memories will she have?  Then I stop myself.  Many of my memories are based upon bullies, bad times and awful experiences.  Yes, they made me who I am - but those memories have nothing to do with education.  I want to provide my daughter with the best education that is available.  I want to establish a love for learning - an unquenchable thirst for knowledge that will enable her to go as far as she dreams.
Sarah has completed almost 1000 hours of Kindergarten.  A full school year requires that she 'attend' 1098 hours.  We're almost done for the year - but we'll start first grade before her 'peers' are out of Kindergarten.  If she asks to slow down, we'll slow down.  If she asks to speed up, we'll speed up.
That's the beauty of homeschooling.
My Daughter loves school.
Asking me to put your needs ahead of hers (to see her in a 'normal' school) is short-sighted and down right rude.  If Sarah was not learning, I could understand the backlash.  Why ask Sarah, or me, to give up something that we love and that works for us?  We understand that is doesn't work for you.  Fine.  You don't have to do it.  But, please, don't take away or belittle what we are doing.
Sarah is in the best school for Sarah.
She is the favorite of the teacher --
who thinks she Rocks!

You're Doing It Wrong

I just had an 'A-Ha!' moment.

Why do people hate, I mean, HATE!!! writing?  I never could figure that out.  It is such a pure outpouring of an inner tale that only you know of.  How could something so beautiful garner such a bad reputation?  And then my Daughter got her second writing assignment - and I was filled with dread.  Wait.  I was filled with dread?  When was the last time I felt like that? Oh, that's right, it was for her FIRST writing assignment a few weeks ago. Why was I reacting like many of my former students?  And it hit me -- are you ready?  English is not always taught by those who enjoy reading or writing.  The art of creating is a forced method employing the use of outlines, tables and rules to adhere to.  How can you create when you are boxed into a corner?

You can't.

I looked at the Kindergarten assignment.
Page 1: List of descriptive words involving all of the five sense
Page 2: List of more descriptive words involving all of the five sense.
Page 3: Table of the five sense to list descriptive words that pertain to the story idea (please include this completed worksheet with the final story).
Page 4: Context/constructing sentences using the descriptive words from pages 1-3.
Page 5: Directions for writing the story (implementation of the descriptive words).
Are you kidding me?  After reading those 5 pages, my own creativity was gone.  Yes, writing has rules - but those come in AFTER the story has been created.

I understand what the teacher is trying to teach: use descriptive words in your story-telling in order to more effectively tell the story.  Why complicate it with page after page of rules?
Somewhere, years ago, students were taught that outlines/parameters were necessary to writing.  It's a shame that many stories have gone un-told because their author/creator(s) stifled their voice in fear of violating the almighty edict of how a story should be told.

I have spent many years teaching the art of writing.  The first lesson always begins the same way, I say: You probably hate writing.  I know I did.  It took a wonderful teacher to tell me it was okay to write without an outline, without rules, even without punctuation.  I was told, "I want you to write.  I want you to unlock the stories in your head, as silly as you think they may be, and put them on paper.  They are your stories.  But, for my own sanity, I'm going to teach you the art of proofreading and editing.  You will discover that writing is a separate entity from proofreading and editing.  Writing is creating.  What comes after is just polishing.  You've been taught to polish as you go.  Are you kidding me?  Have you ever tried to dry your dishes before washing them?  It doesn't work.  The same goes for writing.  You can't create if you are worrying about the words before you have written them."

He was a damn good teacher.

I owe my writing career to him.

I'd then proceed to have my students cross out (or rip out) the first chapter of their 'How to Write' books -- they wouldn't need it.  In fact, the book was to be used to hold a window open until a certain topic in the book was being discussed.  Having it for a window stop would ensure that the student knew where to find the book when needed.  There were some good facts in the book, and we would use them, but they were, by no means, required to reproduce, ad nauseum, what another person had dictated as being the way to write.

At the end of each semester, I had a class full of writers.  Why?  Because they were told that they could write.

I took my own advice last night.  I threw the rules out the window.  My Daughter sat next to me and I typed as she told me a story.  When she finished, we read the story together and she decided where it needed to be changed or where ideas/words needed to be added/deleted.  It was fun.  She had created a story that came solely from her own imagination -- And it fit the parameters that the teacher had assigned.  Did she fill out pages 1-3 for her assignment?  No, she did not.  We discussed the importance of helping the reader 'see' the story, but we did not complete those inane pages.  I'm pretty sure that she's going to flunk the assignment because of it.  That is fine with me.  I would rather raise a child who loves to express what is inside of her, relate concepts that she has deigned worthy of putting down on paper, than a person who abhors the written word -- like so many out there.

Her story is also supposed to have an illustration to accompany the words.  Oh, jeez. 
Please go to your local library and take a book off of the shelf in the adult section.  Do you see any pictures?  Writers paint a world with words... and that is what my Daughter is beginning to do.

I'm pretty sure that the over-seeing teacher will pass my Daughter just to get rid of me.
That'll make a great story...

Homeschooling: Good Days/Off Days

A friend of mine, who also homeschools her children, admitted (yesterday) that she is her worst critic.  I hate to say it, but it made me feel better.  I constantly wonder if I am doing the best thing for my child.  There are good days and there are off days.  The good days are so glorious - imagine me as Julie Andrews in 'The Sound of Music"  spinning in circles singing, "THIS IS AMAZING! I am so Thankful to be able to do this!"... and then there are bad or 'off' days.  Welcome to the ultimate low of lows.  Either day can happen - days that I prepare like crazy for usually end up being off days - it's like Sarah sees that I have a 'map' of what I want to do and where we should go.  I have learned many lessons from these kind of off days.  She has taught me that learning should be organic.  Have a plan written in dust and be able to drift with the wind.  It has taken time for me to realize that those off days have been the days that we have both learned the most.  But, today, by far, was the worst off day.  Was it because of something I had planned?  No.  Was it because of a subject that Sarah didn't understand? No.  It was because I was asked by my spouse if I was going to send our Daughter to the local school next year.  Why would I?  So, I said, "No." And then the support that I thought was our foundation crumbled away in a one-sided argument about how our Daughter has no friends.  I offered two books for him to read based on that argument.  I won't go into detail regarding his reply.  It was rude, nasty and hateful.
Am I being selfish for wanting to continue schooling our Daughter?
I look at two children that I know who are in first grade in the local school.  They are having difficulties reading; and by difficulties, I mean struggling to read words.  Basic words.  My Daughter is 5 -- not even 5-1/2 yet -- and reads.  Really reads.  We're talking get a book off of the shelf, any shelf, and she will read it for you.  She is good at math - adding and subtracting.  She knows geography, health, science, technology, art, music... but we don't have a 'set' schedule.  We don't sit at a desk for five hours straight.  Our schedule is whatever we want, whenever we want.  This non-schedule, non-desk, non-school 'idea' bothers people looking at our 'schooling' as being non-school.  Yet, the children I know that attend 'school' are dealing with bullying (in first grade!!!), not learning at a rate even close to what we're doing in a lower grade level, and are not asking for school at all hours of the day and night.
I have been accused of not preparing our Daughter for the real world because she is not sitting next to a room full of people her size/age and learning at one speed.  There are benefits for sending children to school.  But I don't see the benefits outweighing what our Daughter is already getting at home.  Am I afraid that she is going to be too close to me?  Will I stunt her 'growth'?  Or, will she learn a love of learning and exploring enabling her to go farther?
It was a long day today.  We ended up at the pediatrician today for a minor infection.  If she was in school, she would have missed a day of learning.  Instead, we had several lessons before, during and after the appointment.  And she still wants to do more.  How many parents have to say, "No.  That's enough school for today"?
Listening to someone yell at me because my Daughter has no friends because of homeschooling breaks my heart.
Today is an off day...